The continuation of part 1 (What made me want to do it?)
There it is, the plan to build my own home. My own home! On wheels. Tiny. Using mainly natural materials. All I can feel is YES. Yes! Towards the idea. Yes! To turning this into a project. Yes! To writing about it. Yes! To do it myself, with my own bare hands. Yes!
My heart’s on fire and I can feel it burning in my chest. A spinning wheel starts to spin and won’t let me go. The for so long closed doors are finally open and I’m able to go through. How lovely! Truly! For three months I’m checking out composting toilets, trailer sizes, regulations, washer-dryer combinations, wind turbines, and more… Like a maniac.
Suddenly… BAM! Scccchhukkkkkkkkk… The music stops. A scratch on the surface of the LP. What happened? My employer is no longer able to extent my contract. This initially was supposed to happen one year from now. Not now. With just one month left. One month? Poof, income gone. A bucket full of ice empties itself right above my head. My chest is burning again but this time from the shock. My entire plans turns cold too: it ends up in the fridge and will not show its face for almost an entire year.
Now what? Okay, first things first. Making sure I have a job and income. Luckily, I found one. For a while my focus was on getting used to this new environment. I thought about my super plan from time to time but the passion was somewhat gone. The fire in my heart? Gone too. Darn! Was this again one of those fantastic it’s-never-going-to-happen plans? As if I didn’t have enough of those plans already! I lost heart and my plan seemed crushed. Uncertainty was having a party. Good old fashioned juicy negativity. Yummmm!!
I know this cycle of enthusiastic flow and a dead end. I know it all too well. However, this time I stopped and just stared at it. At this uncertainty. From a distance. I start to realize that this is a matter of minilomania, the opposite of megalomania. A part of me prefers to stay small and does not want to thrive and live my life. Project or no project, I think it’s a good idea to address the minilomania this time. Without the urge to push it away, not letting it be and without resisting or rejecting it. This is just what uncertainty does: it devours your passion. It devours the wish to flourish, grow and above all, to live your life! This time I’m observing it, lovingly, patiently and intrigued. I’m looking at it as if it’s something that does not belong to me. From a neutral stand point. The uncertainty therefore is no longer devouring me. Instead, we look at each other, for the first time. Finally, room for a good and honest conversation.
‘Okay. Dear Frieda. what do you need? Why are you devouring your fire within? It’s paralyzing and I think that there’s something knocking on the door, wanting to set free. What can I do for you? What can I do for ‘us’?’
A response follows:
‘What do you need so you can do that?’
‘Knowing you will be there.’
‘Okay, give me your hand.’
That was a turning point for me. It may sound corny and cliche but it’s so true: be kind to yourself. Not forcing yourself, angry and frustrated, into DOING things because you’re impatience. Trying to crush your uncertainty. That’s what I used to do (and sometimes still do). Pushing myself, forcing myself. And maybe you know what happens if you act from that pushy feel: no flow. Instead: series of setbacks, closed doors, and more frustration.
The following helps me a lot and I love to share it with you. I once went to a workshop on sociocracy (a form of governance like democracy is one too) and this came along. To get things started, for example a project, there may be uncertainties. Things you can not calculate and oversee. This may lead to not starting at all. Hey… that sounds familiar! Okay, so how do they deal with that, in sociocracy?
1. Is it safe enough to try?
2. Is it good enough for now?
Yes? Consent. Or consent with concern.
Is it safe enough to just try? Just try? Step by step. Is it good enough for now? Yes? Okay, you consent. Or you consent having some concerns. That’s okay. You can take notes and agree on evaluating it one month later and adjust the plan if needed. You are always able to adjust the plan. With this in mind, my own perfectionism melts away like snow in the sun. With these questions from that course on my desk, I was and am able to take steps. Every time the overwhelming and paralyzing uncertainty showed its face, I asked myself: Is it safe enough to try? Is it good enough for now? Yes? Okay, consent. What is it that I cán do? That could be simple and little things such as sending an e-mail to a friend, telling them about your plan. I’ve noticed that it doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you do something. One step at the time. By taking that (little) step, I will notice right away if it’s a good thing to do or that it might be better to do something else instead. Without force. No, lovingly, I invite myself more and more to take these little steps and no longer push myself over the edge.
Just like that, with every step that I take, slowly but surely, the engine starts running again. Each step is like new and extra fuel. The engine is picking up the pace. Before I know it, it’s not just an e-mail to a friend but all of a sudden I’m the proud owner of a domain name. Without anyone knowing, I start building my own website. Step by step it takes shape. My ideas find their way to the net. The project benefits from it. Building the site provides me with more clarity on the wants and needs. That’s now 8 months ago. In the meantime I went to the States to visit the fabulous Tiny House Jamboree. I stayed in a Tiny House for a week as a try out. I’m now a proud contributor for Tiny House Magazine. Before that, I talked to companies about materials, networked my butt off and met a lot of Tiny House enthusiasts and other initiatives. Journalists are interested and other magazines found their way too. Soon, the design and building plans will be ready and before I know it, I have a home. Just by taking it step by step. I’m now gently and more lovingly going strong! Vroooooom….
PS I’m not a professional translator and English is not my mother tongue. You could bump into some strange sentences, wrongly combined sayings or incorrect written words. I’m sorry if you do! I’m most likely very unaware. But… you can help me out by leaving a comment (or email me). I do not consider that to be rude. I’m Dutch after all and being fiercely honest (read: rude) seems to be our middle name. So if you’ve dreamed of being a Dutch person for a sec, this is your moment! It’s very much appreciated because I like to learn and I like having a decent written blog too. Thank you very much!